To Be Vulnerable
All spiritual, emotional, and even physical healing has it beginnings in this one word: vulnerability. That sounds like an oversimplification, but hear me out. There is a C. S. Lewis quote from his book, The Four Loves, that has always been dear to me. Lately though, it has taken on a whole new meaning and touched greater, more sensitive depths inside me. The premise is simple but profound: it isn’t until we are vulnerable that we experience true healing from God.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything and your heart will be wrung
and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact
you must give it to no one,
not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies
and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.
Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin
of your selfishness.
But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless,
it will change.
It will not be broken;
it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable, irredeemable.
To love is to be vulnerable.”
Just sit with that for a minute. It’s a hammer blow, right? But why?
Here’s why. As human beings, made in the Image and Likeness of God, we are built, designed, and literally created for relationship – for love. We are made to ultimately share a perfect union with our Lover, Creator, and Defender. That day will be actualized in its fulness only after we have passed from this world to the next. What that means is that on this side of Heaven, we will always experience a deep ache – a longing for something that nothing in this world will satisfy. We try to love others by giving imperfectly of ourselves. However, these objects of our love will ultimately disappoint in some way, shape or form, because they are not the Source of our love – the One for Whom we long. This quote sees that open wound in our hearts, beating for union with God, and pokes directly at it.
How do we best deal with this longing? Do we lock ourselves away, as the quote suggests, and cease to love out of self-defense until we can love God perfectly in Heaven? That seems the safest route. But we were not called to lives of safety or comfort (as St. John Paul II allegedly said), we are called for greatness. That’s where the final line of C. S. Lewis’ quote comes in with the answer: “to love is to be vulnerable.”
Before you start to feel too uncomfortable, bear with me.
As human beings, our deepest longing is for Christ. However, as fallen human beings, our first instinct (as was Adam’s) is to run – to run from God, from facing our sins, and from exposing our weaknesses. Now, you might say, “I’m not perfect, but I go to confession. I repent before God frequently. That’s not me.” But I guarantee you, it is.
We all have our “favorite” sins: i.e. those sins we feel comfortable looking at long enough to surrender over, confess, and be rid of. But we also have sins deep down – sins we don’t want to look at, because they touch so directly on the deepest weaknesses that we struggle with and the wounds we have experienced in our lives. Those are the places this quote is speaking to.
In order to experience true healing and in turn, help those we love to heal and experience as directly as possible God’s love on this side of Heaven, we must be willing to be vulnerable.
Confession time: I struggle a lot with dependency. While not directly a sin, this failing fuels nearly all my sins and its many manifestations can be ugly. It took me many years and the guidance of multiple spiritual directors, family, friends, and significant others to be able to look it in the face. I love deeply, but sometimes that love has a tendency to be conditional. I expect those that I love to show me the same love back. I lean too much on them for affirmation instead of being confident in my identity as a child of God. I expect them to fulfill perfectly my valid needs. And then, I spiral when they show themselves to be merely human. It took me years to recognize that it was not the dependency that was the problem but the object of my total dependency. I finally learned and am continuing to learn that, while unhealthy dependencies can drive those you most love away from you, there is someone who you are supposed to be dependent on. In fact, He actually desires your dependency! Because unless we become like little children, completely dependent on our Heavenly Father, we will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Brothers and sisters, this is true vulnerability.
God is the most vulnerable being to ever exist.
Let that sink in. The Divine Ruler of the world subjected Himself to a wooden manger, an infant’s needs, cold, hunger, human weakness, and ultimately the cross. We are meant to imitate Him in everything, even and most especially this. If we are to love others and help others heal from sin, weakness, and failing, we must first be willing to face our deepest sins, weaknesses, and failings. We must be willing to be vulnerable and to experience Him, working through those around us.
We will be celebrating the Feast of the Conversion of Paul in the Catholic Church this month and we are in the midst of one of the physically darkest months of the year. Spiritually enter into that season so that new life can spring forth. Like Paul:
Allow yourself to be knocked to the ground.
Allow yourself to be blinded by the darkness of your sins and failings.
Allow yourself to be led by the hand.
But most of all, allow yourself to be healed!
The binding of sin can only come through the blinding.
May the peace, joy, and healing of Christ be with you all.
